WEBVTT

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-(CLODS VOCALIZING)
-(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

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Hey, Boss.

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Sorry. Can't see you until you sign in.

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I am in the middle of a big audition
for my new musical,

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I'm Making This Up As I Go Along:
The Story Of Ned.

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No, thanks. I don't like musicals.

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What? What's not to like?

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Everyone bursting into song for no reason.

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Singing and dancing!

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Craving attention!

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Oh, it's my dream come true!

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Sorry, that sounds awful to me.

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People don't just walk around singing.
If they did, it would be totally...

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(SINGING) It would be amazing

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It's all about commitment, Cornelius.

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In the theater, you have to go for it
or get out of the way.

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One hundred and ten percent.

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One hundred and ten percent is impossible.

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That mindset is why you don't have a Tony.

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-(SIGHS)
-Next!

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CORNELIUS: It's Earth to Ned!

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With tonight's guests,
Taye Diggs and Rachel Bloom.

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And now, the host who sings in the rain
or just in the shower, Ned!

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Cornelius! Say it!

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Okay. We now present the monologue.

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(SINGING) We did the cold open
and it was a blast

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Next came the titles
They happened so fast

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And now I'm just singing
What's happening?

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And you can all sing along

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(SINGING)

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(CLODS CHITTERING)

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(CONTINUES SINGING)

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Cornelius, let's bring out
our first guest.

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-Yes, sir. You know him from...
-NED: No, no, no.

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-What?
-Sing it.

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-(FRANK CLOD CHITTERING)
-Uh... (SIGHS)

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Okay.

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(SINGING OFF-KEY) You know him from...

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Sorry, sir. It's just too awkward.
Can I just do it normally?

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Fine. Sorry, Frank.

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You know him
from his many movie and TV roles,

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but he got his start on Broadway
in the musical Rent.

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It's Taye Diggs!

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Whoa.

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-Is this part of the play?
-Sure. You're on!

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Oh. (CHUCKLES) Hey.

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TAYE: Oh! (GRUNTS)

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-It's okay. Just let it settle.
-Ooh. Yeah.

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-How are you?
-Oh, good. I'm well.

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NED: Great. That's Cornelius
over there.

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-Okay.
-Hello, Taye.

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-I like that sport coat.
-Oh, thank you, my friend.

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-TAYE: You're welcome. Sharp.
-Thanks.

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And make sure you keep your hands and
fingers to yourself 'cause that's a Clod.

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Oh. Okay. Sorry. 'Sup, guy?

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Speaking of keeping your hands
and fingers inside at all times...

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Let's get to the important thing.

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-Please.
-NED: You!

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-Yes!
-Got your start as a dancer.

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Yeah. I was considered back
in my younger years as a song and...

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-A song and dance man.
-NED: Whoa!

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What does that even mean?

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(LAUGHING)

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I like you, man.

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Thank you! I like you, too, Taye.

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Taye, I know we just started and
this might be a little too much

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-for me to ask but...
-Hit me.

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-Could we see a little dance?
-Sure. How about this?

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All right. Let me see.

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This is called "The Wave."

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(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)

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How about that? You see how the wave
goes through my body?

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-NED: Let me try.
-You're made out of rubber.

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You got a lot of arms.

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-I'm gonna pass it to you.
-I'm receiving.

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-There we go. That's intergalactic.
-I'm doing this.

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-NED: Whoo!
-(MUSIC STOPS)

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-Yeah!
-Yeah. I love it.

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And that's how you got Rent?
Is that how that worked?

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Give us the guy with the moves.

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(LAUGHING)

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-What kind of moves, man?
-I don't know. The moves you just did.

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In Rent I didn't dance that much.
It was mostly singin' and acting.

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-So, you do it all?
-I try. I try.

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-You're what they call a multi...
-Talented?

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-Well, I was... Okay, fine. Sure.
-Racial? No? What?

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-Threat!
-Faceted? Yeah?

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-Yeah.
-That'll work.

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Hey, did the kids from Rent grow up
and star in a sequel called Mortgage?

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No. Not that I know of.
But I like that idea.

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They're grown up
and they got new troubles.

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-Let's trademark that.
-Don't encourage him, Taye.

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I've never seen Rent, so...

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-It's a great idea though. Mortgage.
-It's all right.

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-Have you always loved musical theater?
-Mortgage.

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I have. I have.
Yeah, some people don't get it.

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Some people don't kind of like the idea
that people just break into song.

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(SINGING) Some people just break into song
for no really reason

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-Exactly, yes! You get it.
-Yeah, I can do that.

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But people don't do that in real life.

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-Well, I do.
-Oh, okay.

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And apparently Ned does, too.

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Wait a minute.
You break into song in real life?

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-I do. I do.
-NED: Really?

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Do you think you could show us that now
without singing a song

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that we'd have to have lawyers
involved with?

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-No. I'm not gonna do that now.
-Oh. Bummer.

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You spoiled it. I wanted to surprise you.

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Okay. Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna let...

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(SINGING) Am I surprising you now?

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-I gotcha!
-Yeah.

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(SINGING) Cornelius look what he did
He sang a song but he tricked me

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I did. Yeah. But that's all.

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-Frank.
-No more singing.

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(SINGING) I surprised you again

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-You got that!
-You did it again. You did it again.

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That's twice, Cornelius.

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Don't sleep on him.
Never know what will happen.

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Fool me once, shame on you.

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-Fool me twice, shame on...
-I like it.

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-That's okay. I get it.
-Me?

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You shamed all over yourself, sir.

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-Taye!
-Yes!

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All right. Let's talk about harmonies.

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Because I hear that
that's a very important part of musicals.

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-It can be. Yes, yes.
-Teach me this.

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Give me a sound and just kind of
say something constant on your breath

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and keep it in one area of your voice.

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-How about I just do your name?
-So, go Taye.

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-(SINGING) Taye
-Mmm, Taye

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Again.

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-Okay. You're criticizing.
-Nope.

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I'm doing it so I can harmonize with you.

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-(SINGING) Taye
-(IN HIGH-PITCH) Taye

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(NORMAL VOICE) And off.

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-Nice! Well done!
-Whoa! Lights, lights, lights, lights!

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Yes. Broadway, look out!

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-I harmonized with Taye Diggs.
-First time. That's brilliant!

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-You did.
-I've worked with people

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-that aren't as good as you.
-Really?

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You could teach them a few things.

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-Can you name them?
-Fill out a form stating that?

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-Absolutely. Yeah?
-NED: Hey, Taye!

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You wanna shake things up?

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-Please. I love games.
-You wanna play a game?

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A game called Which Thing Is Which Thing?

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TAYE: Okay.

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Lights! Lights! Lights! Okay.

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-Yes. Yes.
-NED: Taye, here is the deal.

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I'm gonna give you this paddle.
There you go. Take it. Okay.

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Here we go.

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On one side, it says "musical"
and the other side says "cereal."

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-So, here's what happens.
-Yes.

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I'm gonna tell you some names

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that are either real titles
of musicals from the 1930s,

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-or discontinued cereals.
-Okay. Oh.

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-Got it.
-NED: Ready to play?

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-Let's do it.
-All right. Here we go.

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Golden Dawn.

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A musical or a cereal?

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I'm gonna say musical.

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-You are correct, Taye.
-Yes!

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-CORNELIUS: There it is.
-Golden Dawn.

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-Strong start.
-NED: Here it is.

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Peach O'Reno.

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Peach O'Reno. I'm gonna say cereal.

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-You are wrong, Taye.
-(GASPS)

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-I'm sorry.
-(BUZZER SOUND)

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I had to give, and I have to take.

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And I took.

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Repeat that again. Peach O'Reno?

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Peach O'Reno.

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-Ooh, that was a good one.
-Yeah.

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'30s musicals make me hungry.

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-Yeah. (LAUGHS)
-That's right. Yeah.

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NED: Here we go, Taye.

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Now you'll have to focus.

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Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs.

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I feel like that would... That would be
a long name for both of them.

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-Yeah.
-Uh, I'm gonna say musical.

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-Sorry, it's a cereal.
-(BUZZER SOUND)

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That's a cereal?

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By the way, I happen to know
they cut that down.

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It used to be much longer.
It was Grins & Smiles

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& Giggles & Laughs & Tickles &...
All kinds of stuff.

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And the manufacturer said,
"Hey, we need a bigger box."

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(LAUGHING) Got it. Got it.

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So, here we go. Circus Fun.

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Circus Fun. That's definitely a musical.

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-That's definitely a cereal.
-Argh!

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Wow, you are lousy at this.

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I really am.

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-Oh, well.
-I'm not good at this game.

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You can keep the paddle
and we have a lovely parting gift.

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Thank you. What is that?

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We don't have a lovely parting gift.

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-Okay.
-But if I ever do find Grins & Smiles

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& Giggles & Laughs,
we're sending you a whole box.

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Please. Yes. Send me a few boxes.

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All right, stand up
and we're gonna beam you out.

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-I can keep the paddle, right?
-If you want.

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You better. Yeah.

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-Ready now. Strike a pose.
-Right. Yes.

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NED: Oh, that's good.
CORNELIUS: Ooh! Yeah.

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I beamed a beam of time gone beam.

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-Oh. Cornelius?
-Yeah.

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The lousiest player of a game
I've ever had.

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Clearly not his forte.

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But I liked him very much.

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Yeah, he's a real pile of handsome.

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All right. This is ridiculous.

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What're you talking about?

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You are halfway through a show
about musicals

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and you haven't had
a big dance number yet?

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We danced the first song.

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(SINGING) It was just the monologue

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That's not what I'm talking about. Hit it!

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(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

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B.E.T.I.: (SINGING)
Cloddy bodies get a feeling

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When they move inside the beam

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-Some call it dancin'
-(CLODS VOCALIZING)

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I'd say that's stretching

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Either way, the Clods all scream

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ALL: We're gonna Beam Bounce
Beam Bounce tonight

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First there's a tentacle flip

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And stretch your neck to the sky

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Then you lean to your left

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-ALL: Now it's time to slide
-(NED CHUCKLES)

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But it's the piston pushing
that makes it all outta sight

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ALL: We're gonna Beam Bounce
Beam Bounce tonight

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We're gonna Beam Bounce
Beam Bounce tonight

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-Wow!
-(CLODS CHEERING)

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I still don't get it.

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What? After all that?

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Yeah, it all seems kinda weird
and unnecessary to me.

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(CLODS GROANING)

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NED: Bye, guys.

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Thanks for coming.

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Cornelius, I'm tired of you
pooping on this party.

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You go get your attitude adjusted,
Cornelius.

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What does that even mean?

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Beam.

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(BOTH VOCALIZING)

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(OLIVIA RODRIGO CHUCKLES)

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Oh!

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Hey. You're Olivia Rodrigo
and Joshua Bassett

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from High School Musical:
The Musical: The Series.

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Yeah, we are.

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I've been beamed here
to learn to love musical numbers.

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And I am not happy about it.

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It's not too hard, really.
Actually it's kinda fun.

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The key to writing
a really meaningful song

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is to just sing from your heart.

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Yeah. Think about how you're feeling
right now and try to sing about it.

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That sounds easy enough.
All right. I'll give it a shot.

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(CLEARS THROAT)

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Um...

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(SINGS OFF-KEY) Backstage at a TV set
with Olivia and Joshua

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My arm is asleep and my coat smells bad

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Um...

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Let me try it again.
(CLEARS THROAT)

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(RAPPING)
My name is Corny and I like to rap

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I'm here right now
and my coat smells bad

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Well, is that really
what you wanna sing about? Your coat?

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Guess not. I don't know.
You're the experts.

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What are you thinking?
What's happening inside of you?

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Well, I've got a really bad gas bubble
in my second stomach from the beam.

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Oh, and my coat smells...

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Yeah, we got it. It smells bad.
(CHUCKLES)

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Here, take this notebook and write about
the things that are really bothering you.

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Yeah, all the things
that really make you feel.

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I think I can do that. Smell you later.

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-His coat really did smell. Hmm.
-Yeah.

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(GRUNTS)

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Sir?

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(SHUSHES) We're in the middle
of something.

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(HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING)

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(CLODS RAPPING INDISTINCTLY)

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-Sir, I wanted to...
-Please. These tickets cost me a fortune.

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Huh?

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(CLODS CONTINUE RAPPING)

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And B.E.T.I.

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(MUSIC STOPS)

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-Bravo! Amazing! I loved it.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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(CLODS CHITTERING)

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And I learned something.

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What did you learn?

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B.E.T.I. was there too.

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-Okay.
-Now bring out our next guest.

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Yes. Our next guest...

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No, no, no. Sing it.

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Oh.

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(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

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CORNELIUS: Uh...

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Uh...

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-I just can't, sir!
-(MUSIC STOPS)

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Still? All right. Thanks anyway, Frank.

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(FRANK CLOD GRUMBLES)

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Watch your mouth. (GRUNTS)

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Our next guest is the co-creator
and star of the musical TV show

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rachel Bloom!

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(NED LAUGHING)

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-Oh, that was great.
-Hi.

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-Hi.
-You don't seem surprised at all.

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I should be more surprised
because, you know,

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I'm finding out
extra-terrestrial life exists...

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-Yeah.
-That there's a ship under the Earth

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and you have beaming technology,

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but I'm just so delighted.

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I think that... I think that
the horror will come into play later

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and I'll probably need therapy after this.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

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-Okay.
-Maybe.

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Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna sing to you.

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Okay.

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(SINGING) Welcome to my show, Rachel Bloom

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What do you think of that?

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That was really beautiful,
because it came from the heart.

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It did. I call myself
an alto with a baritone rising.

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(LAUGHING)

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Yeah, I mean, you skipped tenor there.

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-Yeah.
-Does music work the same...

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Music is kind of universal, right?
We have...

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-No.
-No? It's not?

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-No. No. No.
-Okay.

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-Let me stop you there.
-RACHEL: Okay.

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No. We have no forms of art
where I come from.

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No music, no art, no lacrosse, nothing.

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But there are these kind of
universal 12 tones,

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so even if there isn't music,
you have like...

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(VOCALIZING NOTES)

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That's kinda music, right?

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I think you just summoned another species.

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-Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!
-Think you called a cab.

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What is that you're doing?

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What do you mean,
there are 12 tones? Explain.

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There are just only so many notes
that can exist.

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Like, there are only so many colors
that the human eye can see,

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there are only so many tones,
I think, that we can hear.

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-Really?
-Maybe you could hear

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-even more tones than I could.
-Yeah, of course.

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But for me, there's... There are 12 notes.

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You're so sadly limited.

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B.E.T.I., that's 12 notes?

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-That is correct.
-Thank you so much.

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Hey, you went to musical theater school?

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-I did.
-What was that like?

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It was a mixed experience. You know,
when you wanted to go into theater,

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musical theater,
you didn't go to college for it,

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you just kinda started doing it
and now the whole system is,

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you theoretically go to college for it
and it's become very institutionalized,

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which is good, because you learn
techniques of how to make art,

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but it can get a little, um...
formulaic sometimes.

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NED: Ah!

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So, you're saying "formulaic."

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Exactly. So, there becomes
a certain way of, well,

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this is how the girls sing,
this is how the boys sing,

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this is how you dance,
this is how you smile...

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-Mmm.
-That starts to feel sometimes...

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-Formulaic.
-Formulaic.

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Like there's no...
This is the way it's done so, behave.

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Exactly. It sometimes gets difficult
to be who you are

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and reconcile that with the parts
that you're trying to fit yourself into.

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Tell you what,
let's try to improvise a song

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and we'll keep going back and forth
until it's over. Okay?

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Until the world explodes.

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That could happen soon.

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Could be way sooner than you think.
All right.

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So, let's get a topic.
Cornelius, give us a topic.

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Oh, um...

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Cooking for our mother.

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(SINGING) Mom, I made you lasagna
I hope you eat it

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Because it was made with love

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In the oven of my soul

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And you're old

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And I'm worried
about your health because...

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(WHISPERS) Go.

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(SINGING) So I think that this lasagna
will make you better

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And it's real lasagna
Not imaginary lasagna

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Mom, I made you...

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Aren't musicals supposed to rhyme?

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You know what, B.E.T.I.?
That is so formulaic.

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-You just learned that word.
-What he said.

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-Nuh-uh.
-Yeah-huh.

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-Uh-uh.
-Uh-huh.

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Hey, you made a hit TV series
called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Was it fun?

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It was very fun.
It was incredibly gratifying.

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Were you guys always
pulling pranks on the set all the time?

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(LAUGHING)

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I hate that question.
That's the one question I really do hate.

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Uh-oh.

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How can I explain?

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(SINGING) No one likes on-set pranks
Not Jada Pinkett Smith or Tom Hanks

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I don't mean to get defensive
but every take is expensive

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No one likes on-set pranks
Not Liam Neeson or Elizabeth Banks

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Everybody's there to work

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If you brought a whoopee cushion
you're a jerk

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A lawyer wouldn't light a stink bomb
in the middle of court, right?

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No!

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A beekeeper wouldn't prank call her bees

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A baker doesn't put shaving cream
inside a chocolate torte

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I'm serious so I'm changin' keys

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No one likes on-set pranks

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Not Nic Cages or Hilary Swanks

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-Ask me about my process
-(CLODS VOCALIZING)

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Or how much I can bench-press
Or what I think of Congress

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-But don't ask me about pranks
-CLODS: Pranks!

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So, no questions about on-set pranks.

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No!

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All right, stand up, Rachel Bloom.
Thank you so much for coming.

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-Time to beam you away.
-Okay.

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Strike any sort of pose that you like.

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-(SIGHS)
-CORNELIUS: Wow.

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Beam the Impossible Beam, beam!

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-Oh.
-CORNELIUS: Yeah.

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Cornelius, she just burst into song
outta nowhere.

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Yeah. Looks like a Broadway baby.

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Well, I guess that's our show.
Thank you to Taye Diggs and Rachel Bloom.

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-CORNELIUS: Wait!
-Yes?

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I have something to say.

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So, say it.

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Well, I'm gonna need accompaniment.

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Oh, my Glorp! He's going to sing!

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(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

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(SINGING)
I thought music was for other people

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It isn't what I do

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I'm not much for showing off
I'm just part of the crew

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But if everyone has songs inside them
I must have one too

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I'm ready for my song

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I won't get it perfect
It's not like navigating space

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You can't read a map to make sounds
come out of your face

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I'll try to find my notes
as I try to find my place

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I'm ready for my song

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And if someone out there hears it
and finds the melody

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Maybe there will be more folks like me
adding harmony

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-(CLODS VOCALIZING)
-I don't know where I'm landing

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But I know it's time to fall

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I'm ready for my song

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Sir, I'm ready for my song

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Wow. That was beautiful!

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It was a little long.

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Well, I mean, yeah,
you gotta learn to edit.

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It's about the notes you don't sing.

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True. But I loved it.

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-Really?
-NED: Absolutely!

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Wanna say goodnight?

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Wow. I've never done the goodnight before.

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You know what? You're right.
Enough firsts for one night.

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(SIGHS)

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Goodnight, everybody!

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(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

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The Earth is still spinning
We didn't invade

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We'll get to it later
Maybe Tuesday

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-(CLODS VOCALIZING)
-But in the meantime I'm singing

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It feels too right to be wrong

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-Welcome to the video-log
-CLODS:Video-log

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-This was just a video-log
-Video-log

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Now I've done

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-The video-log song
-Video-log song

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(LAUGHS)